I don’t know what kind of bizarre anti-comedy we were going for, but I sure am glad we tried. Clearly we were missing Chris and Greg.

Kiel
Welcome back to BU Tonight. For my next sketch…

Intensely Pregnant Woman in Audience
(screams)

Man
Breath, honey, breath!

Kiel
What’s going on over there?

Woman
My water broke!

Kiel
Hey! There’s a sign saying no food or beverages allowed!

Man
She’s giving birth! And there’s no time to get to a hospital!

Kiel
Can we get this woman some wet wipes?

Man
(Helps woman onto the stage) 
We need to use your desk!

Kiel
Won’t that hurt the varnish?

Man
(Helps woman onto the desk)
It’s gonna be okay, sweetie.

Kiel
No! Get her out! I was gonna play the accordion.

Woman
I’m giving birth!

Man
Have some respect! You weren’t even part of our birth plan.

Kiel
Here’s your birth plan: wait till after the show!

Woman
But it’s coming now.

Kiel
Not if I can help it. I’ve got an unpopular instrument to play!
(slams woman’s legs shut)

Man
You can’t delay labor!

Woman
Get him our of here!

Kiel
I’m trying to host!

Man
What we need now isn’t a host…it’s a hero.

Kiel
(Suddenly dressed as a doctor)
A hero? Alright, let’s do this! My God, is she dilated!

Audience
HOW DILATED IS SHE?

Man
About five centimeters.

Audience
(laughs)

Kiel
Centimeters? Do I look European? Give it to me
in American numbers.

Man
We need some hot water.

Kiel
This is no time for a coffee break. Now push! Push!

Woman
(screams)
Here it comes!

Kiel
I’ve got it! It’s an antique lamp!

Woman
Ooo… Let’s charge $20.

Kiel
Don’t be stupid. That’s worth at least $50.

Woman
$35 at the most.

Audience member
45!

Kiel and Woman
Sold!

Man
What just happened?

Kiel
A solid deal.

Woman
Here comes another one!

Man
Twins?

Kiel
I hope it’s a Tiffany! Those are money in the bank!

Woman
(screams)

Kiel
Aw, damn. Oh, it’s an old drafting lamp. Who would want that?

Woman
We could say it belonged to a famous architect.

Kiel
Anyone want Frank Lloyd Wright’s lamp?

Audience member
$300! He was an inspiration!

Man
Wait a minute…these things don’t look anything like me.

Woman
No…you see…my great grandmother was a lamp. That’s
probably where he got it from.

Man
That doesn’t sound right, wait a minute!

(cut to the audience, where we see a lamp wearing 
sunglasses and a fake mustache)

Man
YOU! 
(dives into the audience and starts strangling the lamp
and hitting it with it’s own power cord)
I would have expected this from anyone else, but not
my own brother!

Kiel
Hey! This isn’t Maury! We’ll be right back.