INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT

Penny enters, struggling with a cooler and surfboard.

LEONARD
Let me help you with that.

SHELDON
Oh, please. That’s obscene.

Leonard grabs the cooler.

LEONARD
What’s “obscene?”

SHELDON
The male of the species using his physical strength to impress the female.  I’ve never seen such a raw and primal sex act flaunted so close to my face.

PENNY
Ain’t that the truth.

Sheldon can’t comprehend the use of the word “ain’t” and is momentarily stunned.

LEONARD
(TO PENNY) Don’t you find this a little weird?

Wolowitz enters the apartment wearing a bright-red wetsuit, a snorkle, mask and floaties.

PENNY
No. Not that weird.

Koothrappali enters, struggling with beach chairs and towels, just like foreigners struggle with English.

KOOTHRAPPALI
Happy Presidents Day, everyone!

LEONARD
Even though it’s the middle of February?

Wolowitz spits out his snorkel loudly, just like all ethnic people are all the time.

WOLOWITZ
So what?  This is Los Angeles.  We can go to the beach in February if we want.

Sheldon finishes rebooting and rejoins the conversation.

SHELDON
Leonard, if you’re suggesting this unseasonably warm winter is the result of global warming, I’d like to hear you back it up with something other than one of your “gut feelings.”

WOLOWITZ
Between his lactose intolerance and his years of wedgie experience, Leonard’s probably an expert on feelings of the gut.

LEONARD
Well, this is one of the warmest seasons on record. And global temperatures have risen every year since the mid nineteen seventies.

SHELDON
What year were you born, Penny?

Penny blushes noticeably because she’s a woman over the age of twenty-two. Men find her less attractive with time.

PENNY
Sometime after… that. Why?

SHELDON
Ancient Christian texts suggest the apocalypse will be ushered in by a devil in disguise, whose very presence would heat the world’s oceans. 

LEONARD
Penny is not the devil, Sheldon.

WOLOWITZ
Trust me, if the devil is a woman, I know better candidates than Penny. (THEN, FOR MIDDLE AMERICA, [THAT’S COAST-SPEAK FOR “DUMB PEOPLE”])  Like my mother.

PENNY
Would the devil really have a frequent spenders card from Forever Twenty-One?

SHELDON
Revelations thirteen seventeen: “No one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name.”

WOLOWITZ
Penny, what’s your number again?

PENNY
You have to dial six, six, six, three one two…

LEONARD
You know she bought her phone in Thailand. The country code is sixty six. 

PENNY
They had really cute pink phones.

LEONARD
And that third six is just a coincidence.

SHELDON
Don’t worry, Penny.  I don’t really believe in all the religious hocus-pocus.  The Earth won’t be destroyed by some mystical devil. (THEN) It’ll be overridden with trash, like in WALL-E.

PENNY
And I suppose you’ll think I’m responsible for that.

SHELDON
Well, your sweatpants do say “trashy” on the buttocks.  For once, I suspect the talking coming from your ass is probably be correct.

LEONARD
So you don’t believe in global warming?

SHELDON
Of course I do.  But there’s no evidence that this unseasonably warm winter is directly related.  So surf’s up.

LEONARD
Whether it corresponds with natural weather patterns or not, the Earth is hotter than it should be. Don’t you think we should do something about it, instead of… (THEN, TO CAMERA) fiddling while Rome burns?

WOLOWITZ
How about this?  You and Sheldon stay home in protest, and Raj and I will give the devil, I mean, Penny, a ride.

PENNY
There are going to be a lot of jokes about me being “horny,” aren’t there?

WOLOWITZ
I was going to offer you use of my “hot poker,” but that’s good, too.

SHELDON
Why can’t I go to the beach? I want to see the dolphins.

LEONARD
You can’t see dolphins, Sheldon.

SHELDON
What?  Why not?  Because you want to make some pointless statement about your liberal agenda?

LEONARD
No, because the sharks swam up from warmer waters and killed them all.

Sheldon dies on the inside, but outwardly looks gassy.

PENNY
Who wants to go be shark chum?

Wolowitz and Koothrappali raise their hands like homosexual children.

WOLOWITZ
We do!

PENNY
Leonard?

LEONARD
Oh, fine. But only because none of you drives a hybrid. Thank god the newly-reformed automotive industry is too big to fail.

Koothrappali licks Wolowitz’s ear with his voice.

WOLOWITZ
Raj says that was his nickname in high school.

Leonard, Wolowtiz, Koothrappali and Penny exit. 

SHELDON
Don’t they know today is an Air Quality Action day? (THEN, PICKING UP A GAS MASK) Dolphins have survived five ice ages and a catastrophic comet impact. If they’re not getting out of this one alive, neither are we.

Sheldon straps on the gas mask. As the audience contemplates their mortality, not for the first or last time this episode, we…

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